Trying For Happiness
by MissingMommy
Summary: Being a mother is what Astoria wants most in the world, and every time that it seems the dream is in reach, it's snatched right out from under her. :: Astoria/Draco, for Dramione Forever.


For Dramione Forever. I'm so sorry that this is late.

For the Opposite challenge where I had to write a het!relationship of my choice with either Charlie, Draco or Remus, and I wasn't allowed to write them in a relationship with someone I already have.

Trigger warnings for miscarriages and still-born babies.

Word count: 1108

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Astoria opens the door of the nursery, and she's immediately greeted by the soft pink walls. The room has been set up for weeks now. A dark-stained wood crib – a memento of her childhood – sits against the wall, with empty picture frames overhead. A rocking chair is positioned in the corner nearest the crib and the changing table is across the room.

She runs her hands across the wood of the crib and picks up the bear that is sitting in it. She feels her legs about to give out and collapses in the rocking chair. Tears silently run down her face as she clutches the teddy bear to her chest, not bothering to wipe them away.

Being a mother is what Astoria wants most in the world, and every time that it seems the dream is in reach, it's snatched right out from under her. The other three pregnancies had ended in miscarriages, devastating her. But she had thought that this time would be different. She hadn't lost the baby in the early months of her pregnancy.

They planned for _her_ – set up the nursery, picked out the name. And Astoria had never felt happier than she did when she was doing that.

And then it happened. She had pain in her stomach and she was bleeding heavily. Draco had taken her to St. Mungo's, where she had no choice but to deliver, even though it was two months before her due date.

After the final push, when it should have been loud with crying, the room was silent. The Healers whisked her baby away. She dissolved in tears, her hand in Draco's as he whispered reassurance in her ear.

When the Healers came back, Astoria didn't need to be told what she already knew – the baby didn't make it. Her little girl was placed in her arms so that she could say her goodbyes. There were traces of blonde hair and her eyes were closed, as if she was sleeping peacefully.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen.

She sobs harder at the memory of her baby girl. And no matter how often she sits in the nursery, clutching the teddy bear, the pain doesn't fade. She's not sure how she's going to get through this.

The door opens, and Astoria snaps her head up. Draco's standing in the doorway. If it were anyone else, Draco would seem as he always does – cold and indifferent. But Astoria knows him, knows that he's hurting just as badly as she is. She sees the softness in his usually hard eyes when he looks around the room.

He crosses the room in a few strides and offers her his hand. "Come, Astoria. It's not healthy for you to be in here so often," he whispers. Once upon a time, the words would've sounded more like a command, but now, it's gentle and soft.

Her blood-shot blue-green eyes meet his. "Why?" she asks, her voice rough. "What have I done so wrong that I can't even have a child?"

He is silent. And Astoria suspects that he wants to tell her _it's God's will_, but she knows that he's long since stopped believing in God and fate; if she's being honest, she has too. Because who would give her something so precious just to take it away? She likes to believe that if there is a God, he wouldn't be so cruel.

"I don't know," he replies. His hand drops and he moves to look out the window, avoiding her. "I wish I did." He turns back to her after a while. "Don't you think it's time to stop trying to have a child?"

His question echoes in her ears. Her eyes narrow in anger. "No, I don't," she answers.

If he recognizes her anger, he doesn't take notice. "Why not? Because all this is doing is tearing you apart."

"You'll never understand, Draco," she says, deflating. "I _want_ a child. I want to be a mother. I want to raise something that is as much a part of me as it is you." She moves toward the door. "I'm going to sleep in one of the spare bedrooms, tonight," she informs him.

She turns on her heels and marches out the room, hearing him call out, "Astoria! Wait!" But she doesn't, not until she reaches one of the spare bedrooms. Closing the door behind her, she slides down it, pulling her knees against her chest. It's then that she is reminded of the extra baby weight that she hasn't lost, and a fresh wave of tears rolls down her cheeks.

She hates feeling like this. She's a woman, for Merlin's sake; bearing children is what she was made for. And not being able to makes her feel like less than a woman, because what woman is unable to have children?

She doesn't know how long she's been sitting there when she hears a knock at the door, but she doesn't know that her tears have long since stopped and yet the emptiness in her heart hasn't.

"Astoria, it's dinner time. Please come eat," Draco says, his voice muffled by the door. She then hears his footsteps walking away from the door. He's not going to push her into eating, and she knows that.

For a minute, Astoria considers not going, but she wipes the leftover tears from her cheeks and stands. She makes her way to the dining room, where Draco is already eating. Somehow, they have fallen into this routine – her sleeping in another room and them eating dinner in silence - and she knows that it's because Draco always seems to say the wrong thing.

Before she eats, she looks at Draco. "I'm sorry," she whispers, "for the way that I've been treating you. You're doing nothing but trying to help me and I keep pushing you away." He goes to speak, but she cuts him off. "All I've ever wanted was to be a mother, so when every chance I have to be one is taken away, I feel incapable. But I want to try one more time."

Before she can say anything else, Draco speaks. "We've tried _four_ times," he reminds her, as if she doesn't know. "And the Healers already said that we shouldn't have tried the fourth time."

"Just once more, Draco. Please," she begs. "Once more and if it doesn't happen, I promise we'll stop trying."

Her blue-green eyes meet his, silently begging for him to agree. It takes a while, but finally he sighs. "Once more, Astoria."

And a smile crosses her face for the first time in too long.

**A/n – so many thanks to Kelly for beta-ing this!**


End file.
